Two Years Ago This Weekend

Two years ago this weekend I kissed Ken for the last time. Two years ago this weekend I kissed ANYONE for the last time. I have now gone exactly two years without any giving or receiving any physical sign of affection with a man beyond a friendly hug. And I can tell you, this can wear on a person.

The Nora of yore would not have had this problem, but I'm not exactly proud of that version of myself. I may be a little lonely and a little scared of the future, but I don't miss that horrible sickness in my stomach that always comes after realizing I just made a huge mistake.

I'll be 28 years old in September. I've flung my last fling. It was a long time ago.

I don't want to play at love. I don't want to revert back to hitting on strangers and flirting like a high school student to get a tiny bit of attention - to feel like maybe I'm still a little pretty or desirable. Actually, I'm not even sure I would know how to do that anymore anyway.

Two years ago this weekend I was so sure I had made it. I had found the man I was going to marry and we were going to live happily ever after.

Today I'm grateful that we stepped back and thought better of it.

I do wish, however, that it could have been a more productive or eventful two years.

And I wish that next year this weekend I won't be alone like I am today. Maybe next year this weekend I won't even notice this weekend.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep tonight.

I spent the last hour lying in bed running through everything that is, has, or will possibly go wrong with my life. What if I can't find someone to rent this place? How am I going to pay rent and fix my car? Where am I going to be in a year? Things I can do nothing about at midnight.

I've also been thinking about friendships and relationships from the past. There are people I haven't thought of in ages who I am suddenly missing so badly it hurts.

I've been waiting to start blogging again because I wanted to kick it off with a bang. Obviously that isn't going to happen, so this is just a taste of the rambling mess in store for whoever may still come to this site. I do plan to be a little more witty when I am a little more awake.